BDSM 101: First Time Playing with Someone

The first time you ever play with someone might be exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. As with anything new you must be cautious and make your safety the utmost importance. Even if you know the other person, playing together for the first time means you need to be wary of what might happen and how it might happen. Here are a few do’s and don’ts you might want to keep in mind.

DO: Play With Someone You Know And Is Trustworthy

An important acronym in BDSM is SSC “Safe, Sane And Consensual”

One way of making sure you live by the safe and sane part is to ensure you only ever engage in any form of BDSM with someone you truly know inside and out and who has proven through thick and thin they are trustworthy.

Remember trust is earned and it is earned through a person’s actions proving they are trustworthy. This takes time which means be patient and be selective of who you give your trust to.  That is why I suggest to only play with people who you have known for long periods of time as they have taken the time to show you they are trustworthy and you have seen who they truly are as a person. This is essential part for any of the rest of this list to work.

“First Comes Trust, Then Comes Submission”

The same should be said for Domination, bondage, flogging, etc.

Trust should come before any play ever takes place. Trust is when a person’s actions match their words proven over a period of time. It is not earned instantaneously.

DON’T: Play With Anybody You Don’t Know And Don’t Trust

I know the unknown can be super exciting, but the unknown is also unsafe. The reason is since you don’t know this person, you do not know the most important things about them, including whether:

• Are they a sociopath or psychopath with little to no empathy for others
• Are they trustworthy and thereby will abide by your agreement and respect your limits
• Are mentally healthy and stable enough to play
• Do they have any anger issues
• Do they know what they are doing and understand the safety measures they must follow

It is important for people to not underestimate the dangers they can face being with someone they don’t know. In a BDSM play scene, people are placed into very vulnerable and truly compromising positions with no way of protection other than a safeword which you have no idea will stop the scene when you are with someone you don’t know.

Chances are fairly high that the idea of being tied up naked in the middle of a subway station in downtown New York would be a dangerous thing to do. You are completely vulnerable and at the mercy of complete strangers. There is no telling what kind of danger you could be in.

I hate to say it, but it is just as unsafe to pick one of those complete strangers and go play with them in a private setting. Just because they have nice eyes, broad shoulders, a round ass or seem like a nice person does not mean they safe to play with.

Most dangerous people can hide their true selves over a short period, but over a longer period their true colors will be revealed.

Dominants, you may think that this warning doesn’t include you because you won’t be put in a compromising vulnerable position. However, you must also be careful of playing with anybody you don’t know and trust, because you never know how they will respond to a play scene and the actions they may take afterwards.

DO: Make agreements

While this might be something you’ve heard again and again, it bears repeating: make agreements before you start playing together. The first time, it’s even more important to have a clear game plan of what will happen, how long it will happen, what will happen if things don’t work out, etc. The more you can be detail oriented at the start, the easier it will be to manage the first scene together.

Dominants: even more important, play within the agreement and do not stray outside of it. You gave your word to abide by the agreement. During play is your time to prove you are a trustworthy Dominant that will respect the agreements you have made with the submissive you are playing with.

DON’T: ‘See what happens’

The worst thing you could do would be to go into a scene without any idea about what might happen. This can cause troubles with managing boundaries and understanding when something isn’t working.

If you just decide to wing it and see what happens plan to deal with the consequences afterwards. This tends to include limits being broken, emotions erupting, physical damage occurring and traumatized participants. BDSM is meant to be exciting and fun and nothing in that list sounds exciting and fun to deal with.

DO: Let others know

Before you go to the scene, let a trusted friend or two know where you will be and when you expect to get back. This will ensure your whereabouts are always known and that someone can do something if you don’t come back on time.

DON’T: Be secretive

Some might want to keep things secret, and nobody is saying you have to scream what you are doing to the rafters or your family members, but a close friend or friends should know what you are doing, where you are going and who you are with. You must have a backup plan to ensure your safety. This is called a ‘safety call’.

DO: Communicate when you’re in pain or need to stop

Whenever you’re in a scene and something isn’t working, you need to make sure you’re communicating with your partner. You need to use your safeword and you need to make sure things stop. Since your partner will not know what is painful to you, they need to have direct communication to ensure things aren’t causing harm. Make sure to use the same safeword that you agreed to, and don’t be afraid to say something more powerful if they don’t get the hint the first time. Better to stop too early than to stop things too late.

DON’T: Try to tough it out to show the other person you can take it

Some submissives want so badly to impress their new Dominant that they will go beyond their pain threshold. But while this might seem to be a noble thing, it can also cause long-term harm to your body. Instead, be willing to speak up as soon as something hurts, even if it doesn’t seem to be a big deal. The Dominant will then know that you are going to communicate, and they can focus on their tasks and goals knowing you are working with them to create an experience you will both enjoy.

DO: Keep the session short

During the first session with a new person, it’s a good idea to keep the session short and sweet. This way, you can have a good time and you can look forward to more meetings if things work out. Longer sessions can work too, but it’s a better idea to focus on something working well than to see how long you can be in a scene together.

Enjoy a light soft scene with your new partner, and you will keep them longing for more. Try to push them to their absolute limit, which you have no idea where that limit currently exists and chances are good it will end in disaster.

DON’T: Have an unlimited timeframe

Another great thing about having a short first session is that you will know the end time. Others in your life will know, too, so they can check on you, thus leading back to your safety call. When you say that you’re going to have a session for a night, you might end up in harm’s way or you might open yourself up to injuries. Either way, the bigger the window, the more opportunity for something to go wrong and nobody knowing about it to be able to help you.

DO: Stick to something simple

There is no need to impress the Dominant on the first scene together, so stick to something simple. When you do that, you’ll be able to enjoy what happens and look forward to making things more complicated in the future. I know W/we as human beings can get overly excited but always remember “Less Is More”

DON’T: Put Yourself In A Vulnerable Position

This is the first time you are playing with this person, so you are stepping into unknown territory. You need to be in a position where you can easily put a stop to a scene. That means being able to pick yourself up with your own force and moving yourself to a safer place if your safeword is not being respected.

Some activities that restrict you in any way should be avoided in your first encounter with someone else may include:

• Bondage
• Blindfolds/hoods
• Gags
• Electro stimulation
• Wrestling

DON’T: Try the most complicated BDSM Activities

Even if you’re both experienced, complicated scenes just invite the possibility of things going wrong when you don’t know exactly what the other person likes or how they react. Instead, allow yourself to enjoy what is happening in a simple scene and sketch out more difficult endeavors when you know each other better.

DO: Use Your Own Toys

Any toy that is being used on your body, should be owned/cleaned by the person it is being used on. Most times, this is the submissive or bottom in the scene. If you don’t know:

• how clean the toy being used is
• If the toy has even been cleaned
• If the toy has been used before
• Or who the toy has been used on previously (which should be nobody)

Then it is safe to say you should not have that toy used on you. This is usually why it is a good idea that submissives bring their own toys, so they can be aware of who the toy has been used on and how clean it is considering it is going to be used on them.

DON’T: Leave immediately after

While your schedule might require you to leave as soon as a scene is over, you will want to leave just a few minutes time for some aftercare and some decompression. When you leave immediately, you can end up leaving a person in a bad sub or Dom drop, emotionally and physically drained and/or hurt. Give your partner the respect of having the comfort and support of being able to come down from a scene gently in a safe environment.

DO: Talk about how it went afterward

The best way to learn from what you have done is to talk about the scene when it is finished. You can talk about what worked, what didn’t and what you might do differently the next time. This might be an opportunity to to talk about what you thought you would like, but you didn’t. Or you might offer suggestions for trying something similar in the future.

DO: Be honest

Of course, you want to be honest when you’re first starting to play with someone. It’s best to share what you thought, rather than trying to play nice and not hurt their feelings. You don’t have to be cruel either, but being honest is the best way to see if you’re the right fit for each other.

DON’T: Be vague or accommodating

If you aren’t clear about what worked, the other person will never know. If you are not clear about how you feel or how it made you feel, your partner will never know. If you want this to work on in the future, they need to know.

When it comes to playing with someone for the first time, you want to make sure you’re being honest, safe, and always direct. Though you might not be a good fit, you should both have a pleasant time with each other.

Some partners will hit it off right away, while others will need to have more time practicing to see if they’re the best matchup. And sometimes, you might get into a scene for a few minutes and you’ll know that things aren’t going to work out.

No matter which of the above examples you are, remember that the first time requires rigorous attention to your safety with special care and special attention provided to your partner. No one is saying to not have fun, but it is important that both the Dom and sub take responsibility for themselves and their partner seriously. In the end this will develop a safer and supportive environment where both partners can feel more at ease and able to enjoy.

Do you have any Dos or Don’ts you have on your list of playing for the first time? Feel free to share it!