Good subs Get Rewarded

What a concept, right?
But one I’ve thought of and used ever since I started my journey years ago.

We’ve all heard of punishments and the desire to be called a “bad boy/girl” at times, right? I believe it all stems from a universal truth I’ve noticed that I’ll extrapolate here.
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subs, generally, crave for ATTENTION!

The flavor of HOW they go about it varies, depending on their roles/kinks.

Take the bratty sub, for instance:

They love to playfully poke and prod at a Dom. For what?
Not to seriously disobey or disrespect their partner.
It’s all in good fun to be cheeky. But also, and arguably most importantly, it’s to incite THAT moment.

You know what I’m talking about…

THAT response.

THAT growl of frustration

THAT hand to their throat

THAT reaction that instantly makes them hot/wet,

Largely cause for in those moments, they are given the undivided attention they’ve been eager for.
Not to mention the excitement of the punishments sure to come. And their physical urges being attended to.

Now, let’s be clear,
I am NOT saying that there is anything wrong with this.

Punishments DO have a time and place

Like when trying to help your subbie stop a bad habit

But even then, it’s rare and should involve things a sub really doesn’t not-so-secretly like

However, this writing is to present MY counter-philosophy, and a way (as a loving Dom) I believe is more uplifting to the growth of a sub.

• Punishments for bad behavior sound great in theory, but are more-often-than-not COUNTER-productive.
  Most “punishments” are attributed to being physical, which a sub craves, so oftentimes it’s essentially rewarding a sub for misbehaving.
• Now, one could TECHNICALLY go for the ever-dreaded punishment of a NON-punishment [Bad word, I know]…
  This is when a Dominant chooses to correct the bad behavior by NOT correcting the sub at all.
  To state the obvious:
  This is borderline cruel, neglectful, and a promoter of insecurity.

So what are we left with?

Let’s take a second to think about the OBVIOUS tool we could use…
What’s the one thing a sub craves that rivals attention?

PRAISE!

So Dom’s, let’s praise to reinforce the good behaviors we want from our subs, and ALSO

REWARD their good behaviors with the SAME FIERCE CARNALITY one typically associates with “punishments” anyway…

ALL the spankings,
choking,
throat fucking,
leash pulling,
ass stuffing,
and orgasms a sub could ever dream of…
Leave them spent in a puddle of their own cum…

The moment I spoke of earlier? (THAT moment) Should be utilized to reinforce the growth of the person who’s entrusted you with one of the most precious gifts in this world…
their submission. So reward them accordingly for their own personal growth, and use them often for being good boys/girls 😏
This is what Affectionate Domination looks like. This is what a true 24/7, loving D/s relationship looks like.

TL;DR:

It should NOT be boring to behave

• A nonchalant and flippant utterance of a “good boy/girl”, while you’re distracted on your phone/console is NOT good enough.
• If ALL performing tasks/abiding by ground rules is going to earn them is praise without THAT moment of being used and fucked silly, is NOT good enough.
• When a sub has to resort to guerilla tactics to try and get your attention, what you’re doing is NOT good enough.

Albeit, all this ^ may be ok in the short-term, but it won’t last long. A sub wants physical attention and/or to feel fulfilled (better yet, full-filled).

subs can be needy, yes; but, THEY’RE NEEDY FOR YOU!

And when being good isn’t good enough,
and when it takes being bad to get them your time of day,
what do you think they’re thinking? …

“If breaking rules is what it takes for a boy/girl to get spanked around here, bad boy/girl it is.”

And then some Doms have the audacity to get pissed at them for misbehaving 🙄
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One could expand all these concepts to extremes, but simply for the sake of brevity, I’m going to forgo the potential emotional trauma that can also be applicable here (like when a sub wants to be punished because they feel like they deserve to hurt).

That’s a whole other conversation by ITSELF…

(Shared with permission)

The ‘B.B.D.’

Finding myself single again, I put myself out there to date.

With the invention of social media, and then dating sites, meeting people has never been easier. Landing on a profile of someone who might be your type is only a click away. But finding ‘the one’ is a different story, especially if that person is on the lookout for the B.B.D.

By which I mean Bigger, Better Deal.

Tell me if this sounds familiar: you meet someone on a dating site and go out on that date. They are intelligent, charming, perfect amount of sarcasm, likes the same movies, tons of common interests, etc. When you kiss goodnight, the sparks are so intense, it’s like a fireworks display. I mean, this date is perfect! There might even be another date, better than the first.

Aaaaaaannd then, it happens. Sweet texts the next day. Days after, one word replies to messages. After that, no word from them even after a promise for a second date.

After a week or two comes the random message. “While I enjoyed our date, I met someone who _______” (insert excuse here).  Turns out you were just one of many on their search for the “B.B.D.” Nothing like that feeling of a kick in the ‘ole emotional nutsack to make you feel like a fool for 1. deleting your dating profile, or 2. not serial dating.

I can tell you from experience, it’s a shitty feeling. Even worse if it’s happened to you more than once. You either start getting a complex (‘WTF am I doing wrong??’) or you start to become jaded (‘Apparently I’m the only one who respects others’ feelings’).

And because you’re either jaded or have a complex (or, God forbid, both) you might end up walking on eggshells and totally miss the person who shares your interests and is interested in you.

It’s a vicious, nasty cycle that really needs to end.

So, to those out there guilty of always looking for the ‘B.B.D.’, here’s your wake-up call: one day you might find your ‘B.B.D.’ And after that awesome date and sweet texts comes the later excuse that they found someone else, because they were also looking for a ‘B.B.D.’, and it wasn’t you.

(Drops mic on stage.)

 

 

 

 

 

A Sweet Daydream

I slip under the covers with you, snuggle up to your sleep-warm body, wrap my arms around you and give you soft kisses all over your face, lips, neck, collarbone, chest, nipples, stomach and pelvic bone. I feel you slowly growing harder against my me, a soft smile touching the corners of your mouth. I tease your cock with my lips and tongue, running the tip of my tongue right under the head, with slow and lazy motions, occasionally taking you into my mouth for just a moment and letting you enjoy.

As I kiss back up your body, I place your cock between my breasts and let you move there for a teasing moment, feeling you growing still harder and beginning to throb with pleasure.

You then run your long fingers through my hair, grabbing both hands full and pulling my mouth up to yours for hungry kisses. While one hand stays wrapped in my hair, the other runs down my spine and grabs my ass, motioning for me to lower myself onto you.

I slide you inside of me, savoring every pulsing and awaiting inch. You release a moan when you feel how warm, wet and tight I am. After an unknown time, you sit up and I wrap my legs around your waist and we still our motions. We embrace, kiss passionately and feel our hearts sync into a singular rhythm.

After some time, your arms tighten around me and roll me onto my back. You run one hand down my leg and pull it upwards so you can slide in just a bit deeper with each slow thrust.

As our pleasure starts to build, I begin to move my hips and join your thrusting to prolong that feeling. Our passion begins to take us over, your thrusting increases in intensity. I feel you biting on my neck and shoulder while I run my nails down your back and grab your ass. You then grab both of my hands and raise them over my head, our fingers entwined.

With your last thrusts, our bodies begin to quake with the exquisite feeling of a long-awaited and explosive simultaneous orgasm as we cry out together. As the waves of our lovemaking slowly subside, we roll onto our sides with you still inside of me, sharing tingling afterglow kisses.

As we lay that way in bed, arms around each other, we slowly drift into a light and loving doze.

 

BDSM 101: The Bones of a D/s Relationship

BDSM relationships are not easy, they are not simple and there is no “normal” dynamic. I’ve said before that there is no way to describe the ultimate BDSM relationship, however there are certain protocols that create a sound foundation for one. Without a majority of these, a D/s relationship can be chaotic, full of misunderstandings, anger and jealousy.

Honest Communication

When you first meet someone I believe it is best to be honest about your desires, expectations and experience. You don’t need to force them to listen to you while you tell them your life story, but the major events, anything that could affect your relationship should be noted after a few dates/meetings or after things have gotten a bit more serious.

I also believe in voicing any concerns or issues within the relationship freely between each other. If you can, try to approach a problem after you have had time to think about it yourself. This will give you time to detach any emotions you were feeling at the time of the incident and look at it from a different perspective.

If need be, you can always ask an unbiased third party to examine the situation and give you advice.

Open Negotiations

If you decide to pursue a serious D/s relationship with someone the next step would be to discuss negotiations. You will go over different topics depending on whether this negotiation is for an individual scene or the relationship. You will discuss your limits, safewords, what activities will be involved in a scene, what rules you will follow, punishments for breaking a rule, what daily activities your top will have control over and what daily activities or “chores” the bottom will have to complete. Again, not all of these will apply directly to YOUR relationship, but the negotiations should always take place before you have a scene with someone new.

Without negotiations your relationship may always feel like it is on the edge. The Top could claim they didn’t know that knife play was a hard limit or the bottom could decide to pursue other tops without clarification that their current relationship was supposed to be monogamous. These simple misunderstandings could lead to jealousy and anger, but are easily avoided with thorough negotiations or going over a BDSM checklist together.

(If you want to be formal with your negotiations, discuss your details and create a written contract.)

Respect

Both partners must respect each other. If you do not have respect for that person, then it is going to be difficult to trust them in a scene and then there is no where to move forward. Respect means being faithful to your agreed negotiations and being honest with your partner. Also, being respectful does not mean you have to agree with them 100% of the time. You are allowed to safe word or bring up an issue you feel is important, but how you go about doing that is the key. Be calm and do not break rules in the process of trying to prove a point.

Safety

There are two main thoughts on safety in BDSM. The first is SSC, which means “Safe, Sane, Consensual” and the second is RACK, which means “Risk Aware Consensual Kink”. They differ on the degree of safety (Those who practice by “SSC” largely looks down upon edge play because it is more dangerous than other forms of BDSM, but RACK allows for more riskier play as long as the partners are aware of possible complications and take appropriate safety precautions).

To be as safe as you can, make you sure you do plenty of research before attempting an activity. If you can, speak to someone who has tried it before and get tips and advice from those more experienced.

Be sure you are aware of any potential danger related to the activity. If there are medical issues, do more research on how to avoid an embarrassing trip to the Emergency Room.

Remember, it is the Top’s responsibility to keep the bottom safe. A Top should never lead a bottom into unsafe situation. We trust a Top to guide us safely, and to teach us, through new experiences.

These are a few of the things that are needed to create a solid D/s relationship and, really, almost any relationship. Remember, every relationship is different and may require different attributes, so be sure to discuss your dynamic with your partner.

 

 

 

 

Why I Love Being a Goddess/Domina to My slave

Goddess. Mistress. Domina.

It is not merely a title for me.
It is a word that embodies what I am.

It represents my overwhelming femininity.
My sexual liberation and power.
My utter control.

In so many ways I am your belief, your faith and your everything.

I get inside your head and become completely Omniscient.
There is nothing you can hide from my all seeing eyes.
Your every fear, thrill and fantasy are mine to study and enjoy.

I fill your every thought with me and become Omnipresent.
I am you at every struggle and success that you experience in your life.
Regardless of how many miles apart we might be, you feel my presence and hold over you.

I pull you down to your knees and I am Omnipotent.
I am all powerful over your body, over your thoughts and over your emotions.
You are overwhelmed by my tight hold over you.

I have become the one being that can control you, teach you, use you, play with you, love you and care for you.
I have placed you in the palm of my hand to use for my enjoyment.

Your faith is mine to choose.

And so, you see, I truly am your Goddess & Mistress, your Domina, an all-powerful woman.
And down at my feet you will always be… to worship, to serve and to obey.

 

101 Ideas to Make Your Sub/Slave Feel Owned

Master/slave dynamics are different than many other relationships within the BDSM lifestyle. Some of these activities may seem extreme but should only be completed between consenting partners. Informed consent (consent with knowledge of the activities and risks involved, also known as RACK) should always be given freely, without coercion or manipulation. If you feel you are engaging in activities that you are not comfortable with, please check abuse resources for organizations that can help.

One of the main factors in feeling truly Owned is to be constantly reminded throughout the day of Master’s/Mistress’ control. These reminders can be subtle or really obtrusive. The more often a slave is reminded of their submission, the deeper it becomes….and the more fulfilling. So here are some ideas you might want to try. And no matter what rules you decide to make on your own, please be consistent. If you’re unwilling to take the time to enforce the rules you make, then there may as well be no rules at all. There is nothing in the world that will make a slave feel less loved than to have a Master/Mistress who ignores their transgressions and does not exert their Dominance.

1. Have them wear slave bells. The constant soft jingling of the bells is soothing and a certain reminder of their submission.

2. When they have broken a rule, talk to them as you punish….and make them speak in detail about why what they  did was wrong.

3. Make them take their shoes off every day as soon as they enters your house.

4. A beautiful, special collar will make any slave joyous. Take the time to select the right one and have them wear it as often as possible.

5. Have them call you each day at a specified time, no excuses.

6. Give them anklets and tell them they must wear one of them every day, no excuses.

7. Whenever possible (i.e. no curious children about), have them kneel before you and ask to accompany you upon the furniture.

8. Choose their hairstyle and go with them to get it cut to your specifications.

9. Whenever possible (i.e. no curious children), have them display themselves whenever you come into the room…..legs spread, shirt unbuttoned. No matter what position you take, they are to be sure your view is unobstructed.

10. When around the kids or vanilla friends/family, make sure they has an alternative title for you besides Master…..such as “my Love” etc.

11. Use them sexually in a rough, selfish way when you feel like it, interrupting whatever they were doing.

12. Choose a food that they dislike and have them eat a small portion every day for a week.

13. Have them crawl to bed each night.

14. Bring them a stuffed animal each time you go out of town. ~grin~

15. Choose their clothing each day.

16. Have them get your daily wardrobe ready for you the night before; laid out, ironed etc.

17. After punishment, have them kiss your boots and thank you for loving them enough to correct them.

18. Have them bring a warm towel to wash and massage your feet each day after work.

19. Get them tattooed (your choice of art and location).

20. Get them pierced (or preferably if you are trained, do it yourself).

21. Get them branded.

22. Respect, but push their limits.

23. Ask them each night what they did that day that you would not have approved of. *grin* This gets them in the habit of being completely honest and also makes them conscious of the things they could do better each day.

24. Teach them exactly how you want them to kneel and demand perfection.

25. Reward them by allowing them to please you sexually.

26. Supervise their workout routine.

27. Each night they are to kneel next to the bed asking permission to sleep with their Master/Mistress, and each night they do, they are to kneel by the bed in the morning and thank their Master/Mistress for the privilege.

28. Have them polish your boots weekly, on their knees at your feet.

29. Negotiate until you are both comfortable with the terms and then sign a contract.

30. Give them a writing assignment: “The definition of Pain – 1000 words”

31. Have them keep a diary of their journey into submission.

32. Instruct them that they may never get themselves something to eat or drink in your presence without first asking you if you want something.

33. Some evenings, keep them on a leash and take them with you no matter what you do, even if you do not speak to them or include them in your activities.

34. When appropriate, they are to speak when spoken to.

35. Reward them by giving them delicious pleasure.

36. On occasion, share them.

37. When it suits you, instruct them not to make eye contact with you without your command.

38. Have them keep their body clean shaven at all times.

39. Conduct random inspections of their body to make sure they keep themselves to your specifications.

40. Make them wear a butt-plug under their clothes whenever they go out alone.

41. For transgressions: have them write your name on the bottom of their foot and tell them to remember they are walking on you with each step. (This is harder to do that you might think….)

42. Master the art of the meaningful piercing stare.

43. Give them reading assignments.

44. Test them on the reading assignments, to make sure they learned the appropriate lessons from each.

45. Instruct them to keep their toenails painted perfectly everyday and check to see that they are before bed

46. Make it their responsibility to put the toys away after play and punishment and to keep them clean and neat.

47. Reward them by letting them name their favorite scene, toys, etc.

48. Call them your slut, your pet, etc.

49. Have them make a list of the 10 things that make them the most self-conscious, uncomfortable or embarrassed.

50. Work with them, having them do the things on the list (if possible), so that they conquer those fears and hesitations.

51. Pamper them. Wash their body and hair, having them remain perfectly still as you turn them and move them about.

52. Hand feed them like a small child on occasion.

53. Have them eat from a dog bowl on occasion.

54. For transgressions: make them wear a sign to the next public function naming their crime. (ouch)

55. Praise their dedication when they have pleased you well.

56. Instruct them that they are never to touch your body without permission.

57. Have them write a meditation about their submission, devotion and trust in you….to be said aloud each night before falling asleep.

58. Some days allow them no clothing whatsoever (when practical).

59. For transgressions: deny them play.

60. For transgressions: deny them orgasm.

61. For transgressions: Command that they are to be silent for a week. They may not speak and will take whatever pain or pleasure you give as silently as possible.

62. Treat them like a pet in front of friends, making them present themselves, turn themselves, etc.

63. Give them a writing assignment: “The definition of Obedience – 1000 words”

64. Have them wear a toe ring.

65. Tell them one morning that they must cum for you 15 times that day and then write about the day.

66. Have them wear nipple clamps under their clothing out to dinner.

67. On your birthday, let them receive your spankings.

68. Spend time training them how to move gracefully to please you.

69. For transgressions: stand them in the corner like a 3 year old.

70. Always flog them after completion of a task, even if it was satisfactory. A well flogged slave is a happy slave.

71. Speak about them as if they were not present.

72. For transgressions: deny them any D/s at all for a week; letting them do just as they please, not allowing them to serve you in any way, no punishment, no instruction, no play, banning titles of respect, etc. This will shame them and certainly make them strive to please you when it is over and they are in their place again.

73. Defend their honor to those who would disrespect your prized possession.

74. Pet them often.

75. Have them be a camgirl/boy for a night.

76. Whenever possible (i.e. no children), have them sleep in a cage.

77. Buy them sexy or slutty clothes to your liking.

78. Teach them things, expand their knowledge in a patient parental way.

79. When you are away, call them and have them masturbate for you.

80. If you choose to play with others, make sure your slave knows who is first in your heart and that some things are just for them.

81. Remember their birthday.

82. Lead them with a loving fist in their hair.

83. Wake them each morning with an assigned task for the day and make sure it is done by day’s end.

84. Teach them patience.

85. Videotape your sessions and watch them together.

86. On long trips, have them wear dildo latex underwear.

87. Hand feed them chocolate.

88. Have them place their regular wear shoes in a line by the front door. They should be in a straight line with the laces tucked inside, or the buckles buckled. Inspect them periodically.

89. Keep a list of their transgressions in a little book. Let them slip for a while, thinking you are not noticing, then one day bring out the book and have a day of atonement.

90. Tickle them just because you can.

91. Have them be perfectly still and quiet while you bring them extreme pleasure. When they move or make a sound punish them then return to the pleasure.

92. Keep them locked in their collar when you are home. You place it on them, having them kneel. Wear the key to the lock around your neck.

93. When possible, have them cook and serve your dinner wearing nothing but an apron and collar.

94. Buy them a Polaroid camera and give them assignments to take pictures of themselves for you in certain outfits or positions, etc.

95. Remember to kiss and caress away their tears.

96. Don’t be afraid to bring them to tears, for they are yours as well.

97. Take them and the dog to the park, both on leashes.

98. Caress them, whisper into their ear that you love them, nibble on their belly, lick their thighs and make love to them until they cry.

99. Have them fall asleep with their hand on your privates and tell them you expect it to be there when you awake.

100. Occasionally, fulfill their fantasy.

101. Master’s/Mistress’ word is the last word.

Addendum

102. Make sure that they are safe at all times. When with you and when you are apart (to the best of your ability). Their vehicle should be in good working order, make sure they have emergency money and a cell phone to call for help if needed.

103. Be consistent.

104. Take the time to talk to them. Learn their fears, their dreams and fantasies. Use your knowledge.

105. When you go out of town, forbid them to shave their genitalia. Shave them yourself when you return.

106. Specify exactly how they will address you in private and in public.

What A Dominant Needs From A Submissive

When you’re a Dominant, you’ll be the one who is going to tell the submissive what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. However those parts of your relationship might seem clearer than other parts. While the submissive might think they simply have to follow your orders, they need to do more for you than they may have expected at first. Here are eleven things that your submissive can do for a Dominant in order to make your job easier.

The Sub Must be Honest

While it should go without saying, everyone in any relationship should be honest and clear with each other. When a sub isn’t clear about what they are feeling or what they need, then the Master or Mistress isn’t going to be able to help. Likewise, if the Dominant isn’t honest, then the submissive isn’t going to know what they have done wrong and how they can fix it. Honesty is imperative so everyone gets what they want from the relationship.

The Sub Must Communicate

Hand in hand with honesty is the need for communication. A submissive needs to be willing to talk with their Master or Mistress on a regular basis. This might look like a regularly scheduled meeting or some other agreed upon communication tool. In doing so, there will be times for bigger things to be discussed and problems to be solved outside of the scene.

With these ‘musts,’ the submissive will be able to perform their tasks well – and you as the Dominant will be able to focus on what you need to do: train and control.

With that said, a Dominant should never punish a sub for communicating honestly with them. As all the Dominant does is teach the submissive to do is avoid being open and honest. That doesn’t mean a sub can’t learn how to politely and respectfully communicate these honest thoughts.

 

The Sub Should Learn Their Responsibilities

While it seems like it would be a natural part of the Dom/sub relationship, some submissives just don’t realize that they need to understand what is expected of them (as agreed upon by both partners). They need to be able to take on those responsibilities without being told hundreds of times they need to do X or Y. If the submissive isn’t trying to learn their responsibilities, they might be better off not being in a relationship where responsibilities are necessary.

A submissive needs to be responsible and accountable for their actions. If a person is not willing to be either of these, than they might prefer a role as a baby, brat, puppy or some other kind of role play where they can just enjoy the moments you share together.

There is nothing wrong with a person not wanting to take on the responsibilities of a submissive. However, a person should never ask a Dominant to take on the responsibilities of a Dominant, if they are not willing to take on the responsibilities of a submissive. It is crucial that both Dominant and submissive accept their responsibilities within an agreed upon Dom/sub relationship.

The Sub Should Be Patient

A lot of resources will talk about how the Master or Mistress in a relationship needs to be patient with the submissive, but that doesn’t always happen in the other direction. While you might be the Dominant, your submissive needs to be patient with you, as you don’t always know exactly what to do and when to do it. Dominants are human after all and are prone to make mistakes from time to time.

Or you might have longer term plans in place for your sub, which means they might not get what they want right away. A submissive who isn’t understanding or patient is one that isn’t listening to their Master or Mistress. They’re just trying to ‘top from the bottom.’

The Sub Should Be Practical and Realistic

Yes, many subs want to be controlled 24/7 and they want to be thrown into a dungeon in the dark. But bills still need to be paid, and most relationships have other things that need attention. A submissive needs to realize sometimes responsibilities outside of the Dom/sub relationship need to be looked after before the Dominant can focus on their submissive. They will get attention when it’s time to get attention, but only after life responsibilities have been taken care of.

The Sub Should Be Understanding And Sympathetic

A submissive must know that regular life stressors can become overwhelming for a Dominant just like it can for a submissive. Not only should a Dominant not train/play during these times, they may not have any desire too.

Many submissives struggle with the same issues, and when overwhelmed with life stressors can lose their desire to serve. A understanding ear and sympathetic hand can go a long way to helping a person deal with such stress. If a submissive expects this, a Dominant should be no different.

We all need help when times get tough. Yes, even Dominants need a helping hand from time to time.

The Sub Must Try To Learn

A submissive who is coming into a training session without maintaining their knowledge is one who isn’t giving 100%. Submissives MUST be willing to learn from each session. Sure, you will have off days now and again, but the more they practice and the more a sub focuses on their role, the more they will retain. If the sub isn’t retaining knowledge, they may need to go back to basic sessions until they can hold onto the information they have been given.

This really goes back to responsibilities. If the sub asked to be submissive, part of their role is learning and maintaining that information. If the submissive is not willing or does not want to learn, perhaps they just don’t want the responsibility of being a submissive.

Again, there is nothing wrong with that, as a person’s kink is their kink and should be enjoyed how they want. With that said, there is nothing more frustrating putting in the time and energy to teach someone who never wanted to learn in the first place. This is why it’s important to know a person’s true desires from the start.

The Sub Should Practice Discretion

Sadly, BDSM is still frowned upon and misunderstood by most people. So it is usually a good idea to keep the Dom/sub side of the relationship and training details secret from most people in your life. I have known many people who have lost friends, been disowned by parents and/or been fired from a job for revealing their BDSM desires. If the Dominant and the submissive aren’t in a community that supports BDSM, it is usually safer to keep details about a Dom/sub relationship private.

It is best to only share information with someone outside of the relationship who you know is either open minded in regards to BDSM or who can truly be trusted to be able to maintain your privacy but still look out for your best interest. As it can be helpful to talk with others about your relationship, kinks and BDSM struggles from time to time. However, it tends to be better to have someone who is kink friendly, as they will understand your need for discretion.

If both partners can not agree on the trustworthiness of an individual than private information about the relationship should not be shared. Remember, it is both people’s (Dom & sub) reputation and life that could be affected by this information being spread to the wrong person.

BDSM is not illegal or immoral, but that doesn’t not stop some people in this world from judging or discriminating against those who practice it.

The Sub Must Trust

At the start of any relationship, there will be a period when the submissive isn’t sure if they can trust their Dominant. It’s natural, in fact the submissive shouldn’t trust a Dominant until they have proven they are trust worthy. But as time goes on, the submissive needs to be able to let go and trust, if the Dominant has shown that they can be trusted.

Just like in a vanilla relationship, you can not have a strong healthy relationship if there is no trust. If a sub doesn’t trust a Dominant, they’re not going to get the most from the relationship and certainly not the most from the training.

The Sub Must Be Sane

A submissive must be clear with their Dominant if they have mental health issues. They need to be clear about their mental state, what they are doing for it, and how they are managing any current issues. A sub that doesn’t talk about their mental health issues, does not continuously work on their mental health, doesn’t work with a professional on their mental health or one that goes off their medications without any warning is one that is not going to be safe in a scene with a Dominant.

It is unsafe for both the Dominant and submissive if either is currently suffering from any mental health issues that are not being dealt with.

 

The Sub Must be in the Present

Everyone will think on their past at some point or another, but when someone in a relationship continues to bring up the past, it’s going to make it hard to focus on the present day. A submissive must be able to think about what is happening right now, and let go of the past. If a sub notices they are focusing on the past too much, it might be a sign they need to work with a professional on letting go of these past situations.

Of course, there are things a submissive needs from a Dominant, so a submissive is able to provide these needs to their Dominant. Don’t think that a Dom/sub relationship is all about the submissive giving to the Dominant, however that will have to be left for another article…

BDSM 101: The Purpose Of Humiliation Training

**Please Note** Humiliation training should never be conducted unless it has been previously discussed and agreed upon by both partners. Humiliation training will not work if the submissive has not consented to it. Much care and attention should be spent on understanding the submissive’s past and knowing what forms of humiliation are completely off limits, so it can be avoided at all costs during training. Caution and common sense must be used at all times.
As a Dominant or Dominatrix, you have a special role in the development of your slave. You can utilize a variety of tools and training to encourage their full potential, and enable them to fully serve you and your needs. For some slaves, they require a certain sort of breaking down of their current state of mind. One way to inspire their feeling of being in a submissive state is to use humiliation training. Though not all slaves will want this sort of training, some do want it and can benefit tremendously, allowing them to sink into their role and serve you in the best way possible.

Humiliation Training
At the core of humiliation training is the creation of a lesser than headspace. This occurs by humiliating the slave’s central state of mind and putting them into a vulnerable state. This requires starting by identifying what makes the slave feel humiliated. This might include:

How they feel about themselves – A Dominant or Dominatrix can also identify what the submissive feels is the worst part of them (at this time, anyway). This might include how they look, how they sound, or how they behave when under stress. By talking about what the slave might be easily humiliated by, then that information can be used in a scene or as part of a longer-term training.

How they respond to certain words – There might be key words that a slave will find most humiliating. Some might respond to derogatory words, certain swear words, or certain labels that might be applied to them. Depending on the slave, you will need to find out what has the greatest possibility of generating true humiliation. Because every slave is different, it is essential to get to know your slave and to find out what they will benefit the most from in their training.

How they are impacted by certain goals – You might also choose to find certain goals that are nearly impossible to achieve. In doing so, there will be multiple points at which the slave is not going to succeed. For a slave who has issues with wanting to please their Master or Mistress, they will feel humiliated each time they try to reach the goals…and can’t. You might choose to point out all of the times they make a mistake, further humiliating them and making them think they are never going to please you.

How they respond to certain dress or punishments – Some slaves will feel humiliated by having to wear certain items (e.g. a diaper, the opposite gender’s clothing, etc.). By simply being in these garments or being punished in their most vulnerable areas, they will sink deeply into the headspace of being the object of humiliation. A Master or Mistress can then remind the slave of their position again and again, further enforcing the idea that they are less than their trainer.

How they have been treated in their lives – You can also explore the ways in which a slave has been humiliated in their everyday lives. Perhaps they did not do well in a work situation. You might find a way to act these sorts of real life scenarios out to feel the humiliation again, though with the lens of power exchange. The Dominant might be the mean boss, for example, and enact that to see how the slave will respond.

There might be other situations in which a slave will feel humiliated, so having detailed conversations about the slave will enable a more personalized approach to this training method.

The Purpose of Humiliation in Training
Many mistresses and masters will use humiliation training to encourage:

A submissive mindset at all times – The more you can keep a slave in the state of feeling like they are less than their master or mistress, the more they will stay engaged in the training process. If it’s clear they are going to be humiliated for any small infraction, the more they will remain submissive at all times during your scenes together.

A more focused slave – This sort of humiliation training also encourages focus and determination. While the slave might not be able to avoid humiliation, as they may never be perfect, they will realize it is their job to keep trying to please their trainer.

A slave that is willing to do whatever their master/mistress wants – Just as exercise builds stronger muscles, humiliation training will help a slave become more focused on attending to the needs of their master or mistress. Whether they are trying to avoid humiliation or not, the slave is better equipped for any scene in which they find themselves.

A slave who is empowered to face their fears – At its core, humiliation training helps to empower slaves against their fears. While they might find the beginning of this training to be challenging, they will slowly become stronger and better able to adapt the humiliation and the feelings that develop from it. They will be able to strengthen their mind and do what is asked, without being afraid.

The trick with humiliation training is that it’s best for slaves who already have a strong foundation in being submissive. Though some masters and mistresses might want to start with this hardcore training, it’s not always well-suited for those slaves who are just finding their place.

Humiliation is a tool of expansion for a slave. It is a practice of being able to follow through with commands and scenes, while their mind and body is overwhelmed by the stimulation of being humiliated. Over time and with practice, the slave will simply drop into a scene, accept their humiliation, and act accordingly.

No matter the reason why humiliation training is chosen for training, the master or mistress has a sacred responsibility to ensure the slave is well cared for in each scene. Though the scene might be harsh and difficult, the dominant or dominatrix needs to find some way to ensure the slave sees their progress. No one will be perfect, but the attempts of the slave to be their best will need to be recognized and appreciated.

And thus, the training will be a success.

Today I’m Remembering

You were on my mind when I woke up this morning
remembering your smile
I guess the next time I’ll see your face
will take a little while
I want to feel your arms around me
and the way they’ll feel warm
with you by my side
I completely feel no harm
I was remembering your voice
makes my heart skip a beat
but without you, baby
my whole body’s weak.

I was remembering our times
the good and the bad
the funny times when you cheered me up
and especially the sad
remembering your eyes
how they always meet mine
remembering all the little things you do
to make my life worthwhile
I was wondering when we’ll be together
just us two
I guess I’m missing you
more than I usually do.

A little Valentine history…

I ran across this, so I thought I’d pass on to the cynics. I’m somewhat of a cynic, myself. Enjoy the read…

Valentine’s Day History

There are varying opinions as to the origin of Valentine’s Day. Some experts state that it originated from St. Valentine, a Roman who was martyred for refusing to give up Christianity. He died on February 14, 269 A.D., the same day that had been devoted to love lotteries. Legend also says that St. Valentine left a farewell note for the jailer’s daughter, who had become his friend, and signed it “From Your Valentine”. Other aspects of the story say that Saint Valentine served as a priest at the temple during the reign of Emperor Claudius. Claudius then had Valentine jailed for defying him. In 496 A.D. Pope Gelasius set aside February 14th to honor St. Valentine.

Gradually, February 14th became the date for exchanging love messages and St. Valentine became the patron saint of lovers. The date was marked by sending poems and simple gifts such as flowers. There was often a social gathering or a ball.

In the United States, Miss Esther Howland is given credit for sending the first valentine cards. Commercial valentines were introduced in the 1800’s and now the date is very commercialised. The town of Loveland, Colorado, does a large post office business around February 14th. The spirit of good continues as valentines are sent out with sentimental verses and children exchange valentine cards at school.

The History of Saint Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day started in the time of the Roman empire. In ancient Rome, February 14th was a holiday to honor Juno. Juno was the Queen of the Roman Gods and Goddesses. The Romans also knew her as the Goddess of women and marriage. The following day, February 15th, began the Feast of Lupercalia.

The lives of young boys and girls were strictly separate. However, one of the customs of the young people was name drawing. On the eve of the festival of Lupercalia, the names of Roman girls were written on slips of paper and placed into jars. Each young man would draw a girl’s name from the jar and would then be partners for the duration of the festival with the girl whom he chose. Sometimes the pairing of the children lasted an entire year, and often, they would fall in love and would later marry.

Under the rule of Emperor Claudius II Rome was involved in many bloody and unpopular campaigns. Claudius the Cruel was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. He believed that the reason was that Roman men did not want to leave their loves or families. As a result, Claudius cancelled all marriages and engagements in Rome. The good Saint Valentine was a priest at Rome in the days of Claudius II. He and Saint Marius aided the Christian martyrs and secretly married couples, and for this kind deed Saint Valentine was apprehended and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off. He suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, around the year 270. At that time it was the custom in Rome, a very ancient custom, indeed, to celebrate in the month of February the Lupercalia, feasts in honor of a heathen god. On these occasions, amidst a variety of pagan ceremonies, the names of young women were placed in a box, from which they were drawn by the men as chance directed.

The pastors of the early Christian Church in Rome endeavored to do away with the pagan element in these feasts by substituting the names of saints for those of maidens. And as the Lupercalia began about the middle of February, the pastors appear to have chosen Saint Valentine’s Day for the celebration of this new feast. So it seems that the custom of young men choosing maidens for valentines, or saints as patrons for the coming year, arose in this way.

St. Valentine’s Story

Let me introduce myself. My name is Valentine. I lived in Rome during the third century. That was long, long ago! At that time, Rome was ruled by an emperor named Claudius. I didn’t like Emperor Claudius, and I wasn’t the only one! A lot of people shared my feelings.

Claudius wanted to have a big army. He expected men to volunteer to join. Many men just did not want to fight in wars. They did not want to leave their wives and families. As you might have guessed, not many men signed up. This made Claudius furious. So what happened? He had a crazy idea. He thought that if men were not married, they would not mind joining the army. So Claudius decided not to allow any more marriages. Young people thought his new law was cruel. I thought it was preposterous! I certainly wasn’t going to support that law!

Did I mention that I was a priest? One of my favorite activities was to marry couples. Even after Emperor Claudius passed his law, I kept on performing marriage ceremonies — secretly, of course. It was really quite exciting. Imagine a small candlelit room with only the bride and groom and myself. We would whisper the words of the ceremony, listening all the while for the steps of soldiers.

One night, we did hear footsteps. It was scary! Thank goodness the couple I was marrying escaped in time. I was caught. (Not quite as light on my feet as I used to be, I guess.) I was thrown in jail and told that my punishment was death.

I tried to stay cheerful. And do you know what? Wonderful things happened. Many young people came to the jail to visit me. They threw flowers and notes up to my window. They wanted me to know that they, too, believed in love.

One of these young people was the daughter of the prison guard. Her father allowed her to visit me in the cell. Sometimes we would sit and talk for hours. She helped me to keep my spirits up. She agreed that I did the right thing by ignoring the Emperor and going ahead with the secret marriages. On the day I was to die, I left my friend a little note thanking her for her friendship and loyalty. I signed it, “Love from your Valentine.”

I believe that note started the custom of exchanging love messages on Valentine’s Day. It was written on the day I died, February 14th, 269 A.D. Now, every year on this day, people remember. But most importantly, they think about love and friendship. And when they think of Emperor Claudius, they remember how he tried to stand in the way of love, and they laugh — because they know that love can not be beaten!

Valentine Traditions

Hundreds of years ago in England, many children dressed up as adults on Valentine’s Day. They went singing from home to home. One verse they sang was:

Good morning to you, valentine;

Curl your locks as I do mine —

Two before and three behind.

Good morning to you, valentine.

In Wales wooden love spoons were carved and given as gifts on February 14th. Hearts, keys and keyholes were favorite decorations on the spoons. The decoration meant, “You unlock my heart!”

In the Middle Ages, young men and women drew names from a bowl to see who their valentines would be. They would wear these names on their sleeves for one week. To wear your heart on your sleeve now means that it is easy for other people to know how you are feeling.

In some countries, a young woman may receive a gift of clothing from a young man. If she keeps the gift, it means she will marry him.

Some people used to believe that if a woman saw a robin flying overhead on Valentine’s Day, it meant she would marry a sailor. If she saw a sparrow, she would marry a poor man and be very happy. If she saw a goldfinch, she would marry a millionaire.

A love seat is a wide chair. It was first made to seat one woman and her wide dress. Later, the love seat or courting seat had two sections, often in an S-shape. In this way, a couple could sit together — but not too closely!

Think of five or six names of boys or girls you might marry, As you twist the stem of an apple, recite the names until the stem comes off. You will marry the person whose name you were saying when the stem fell off.

Pick a dandelion that has gone to seed. Take a deep breath and blow the seeds into the wind. Count the seeds that remain on the stem. That is the number of children you will have.

If you cut an apple in half and count how many seeds are inside, you will also know how many children you will have.

(By the way… Happy Valentine’s Day!)